Primal

These nights are always quiet, usually no phone calls or text messages; only the hollow sound of a constant longing for Matthew inside my chest, thudding against my rib cage like a prisoner trying to escape a cell of forbidden love.

“Of course I love you!”  I lie to her; blatantly.  At first I thought when this day came I would feel horrible, yet this significant deception tastes sweeter than the syrup from a jar of cherries, mainly due to the fact that I really can’t stand her.  Well, I suppose I can see how men find themselves in these positions. She’s pompous, inconsiderate and out of touch with reality; but she has a marvelous body and the smile to match, it’s hard to find something prettier to waste my time on for the night.

“So what do you want to watch, your choice?”  Gail prances over to the stack of blu-rays, wearing only a t-shirt.  I assume this is done purposely to showcase her perfectly toned legs.  I watch her move and glide, I know what I want but I don’t understand why.  I want to ravish her, in a very embarrassing yet explainable way.  Perhaps I should be a little clear about what I mean when I say ravish; I’m not talking about the ‘I wonder if her breasts feel the same as mine’ curiosity at your first girl’s only sleep away camp.  I’m explicitly referring to the raw primal lust for another creature in the dirtiest way possible, but I thought you were only supposed to feel that way for the opposite sex; until just now.

“Hey, Earth to Jamie!”  She snaps her fingers to regain my attention.  I swear she must have caught me staring at her and licking my lips, intently watching her every move; a Lioness ready to pounce on her unsuspecting prey, I use the term unsuspecting loosely.

“Sorry, I must have phased out thinking of a movie.”  I’m scanning the shelf, searching for my ploy.  When you get suckered by enough guys in college you pick up on how they get into your panties before you even notice it during movie night, I wonder if it works the other way around, well sort of.

“How about we settle on, Kill Bill Volume 1?”  She makes a quirky expression of disbelief, it’s cute. “Ok, I guess we can do that.  Let me turn off the lights and pop it in.”  The lights dim almost like a queue for the longing to return.  I feel my objective begin to slip away as thoughts of Matthew invade my mind.  I don’t understand why I care for him the way I do, I got married to Tony to prevent this kind of thing; but then I started lying to Gail to forget what I couldn’t prevent.  Seems like the standard condition of people; play with the emotions of others and destroy their feelings while you struggle to get yours in order.  I thought global warming was twisted.

“Are you even paying attention to the movie?!”

“Yeah, I…”  I was going to say something, but I think it’s a better idea to just grab her by her face and press my lips against hers, fast enough to keep her from asking questions but slow enough that she realizes I mean business.  She pauses for a moment as she stares back into my eyes; she slides her hand around the back of my bra as I gain easy access to her bra-less chest.

“Jamie, your phone is ringing.”  I glance up towards my Blackberry, the name Tony flashing in bold black font.  She asks me who it is as she disappears under my blouse, to which I reply.

“Nobody.”